In my head

So, this really is more for me more than anyone else, but it's one of those new year things I wanted to get off my chest. I'm really bad at organizing my thoughts, and I'm not sure how this will read. Know that my writing style isn't as grammatically defined as others, but neither is my thinking process. They say to tell "readers" a little about yourself... I'm not so sure I like that idea. I don't know you, why should you know me. And for those of you who think maybe if I tell her some (false) truths about myself I could get some information... wrong. Not saying I'll be all to cautious to keep it a secret, but I'm not one of those first dates who gives it all up either. (Despite popular belief) But I'm not one who puts much credit into popular belief either.... how many time has it been proven wrong by someone not as lazy as the rest of us current riders. I don't know. Life is a perception to me. Don't step on mine and I won't step on yours. I will tell you a little though. I'm not a saint by any means. I also can't be too hard on myself. I don't like the phrase "there's always someone worse" because who am I to judge, but I do think our actions are like ripples. I can't be too hard on myself because of where those ripples have carried me, but I do often wonder what else my ripples have effected... sometimes that thought makes me hurt. I wonder if others have that thought. Don't get me wrong I don't consider myself to be anything extraordinary or anything. I'm probably quite average, but have you ever wondered "Why am I me? Why do I see how I see? Do others see like me? Is this real, or am I dreaming? What is a dream, really?" Thoughts like that are commonplace in my mind. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way, but following that path of thinking, are those people real or simply something I've made to entertain myself when lonely. I know, I'm starting to sound like a crazy person. After all, if that were the case I could have anything I wanted. Maybe... or maybe it's like faith, you really have to believe it for things to be possible. And if we've been told that it isn't our whole lives who are we to argue? Just some food for thought. How does our conformity cripple us? Or does it? I know some would have us believe it sets us free. Go along with it and life will be easier. Easier maybe, but how will we ever learn... I know I know, learn from others mistakes, but that's what I'm saying. If we all did exactly what we "should" we wouldn't make mistakes... but who decided whet "should" be? And how many not following that standard set a new one? Then again, I agree with things like organized religion. (I believe atheists are a religion all their own) It gives people a place in all the confusion. It gives a base for what you will or will not become. It can create the deepest hate or the greatest love. Love, now there's something I believe in. Hate too I suppose. There has to be opposition in all things. But hate to me is like a poison, something unnatural. Is a baby born hating? The only person hate hurts in the long run is yourself. Does that mean I don't hate? I try not too, but things have happened in my life. Some would say inexcusable things, but I don't. I don't believe anything is truly inexcusable, but that doesn't mean they don't bother me. Sometimes they bother me deeply, but I believe that's a personal flaw. One stemming from never having properly dealt with that hurt. I'm still not really sure if I know how to properly deal with it. But, I guess that's a life lesson for another day. Anyway, this is page one. I don't know if anyone will read this and I'm not sure how readable it is, but it's here and my head is clear. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Probably not though seeing as my husband's almost home. Here's to hoping.