Baptism

When Camille asked me to speak at her baptism I was so excited for her, that I excepted! And then I had to pause...what was I going to say?
There are a million generic talks on baptism at the click of a mouse, but this is different. This baptism, this girl... Are special.
Baptism is always a big decision, don't get me wrong, but Camille is going into this with both eyes open. She's not being baptised because that's what everybody else her age is doing. Probably quite the contrary. People in this world would have you believe that this is your body, your life. That's simply not true... Someone has felt your every pain, your every fear, your every heartache. And on the other hand every comfort, every excitement, every joy. He took upon himself the pressure of every sin until he bled from every pore for every child of our heavenly father. She's being baptised because she knows that. She knows that this is the first step to being with her family forever. There are more steps to be taken, but today she is setting her foundation for eternal life and glory. She is preparing herself for the kingdom and exaltation of God! To stand in his presence and realize that that is exactly where she belongs!
It's not going to be easy, I'm sure you know that, after you leave that water Satan will want nothing more than to drag you down. But you're smart, and he knows that, so it'll be subtle...like the urge to fight with your sister, back talk your dad, or tell little white lies. It adds up. He wants you to feel like you're not good enough, that you're lost, weak or even broken. But that's a lie. Walk out of here today with your head held high, knowing that you are a daughter of God and that you have legions of angels at your beck and call. But you have to call. Have a prayer in your heart at all times. And never be afraid to walk away from a bad situation.
After today, you will stumble, maybe even fall. And Repentance can be hard. It can be painful and scary, but it's worth it! The peace and the love that comes from even just saying your sorry...is worth it. Your heart never needs to be burdened ever again.
Today you are making a promise to be the very best you can be, with the knowledge that, he's already made up for the rest. You will now have the opportunity to take the sacrament every Sunday and remember exactly that. Try not to miss it... It is so easy to get caught up in this world, but remember the way you feel today and desire it! Because that is real happiness!
I say these things in the witness of our Heavenly Father in the name of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, Amen.
I love you Camille and I am really, so very happy for you!

So bored!

Here I am with nothing to do and nothing to look at. I could be doing a million things, bettering myself, becoming a better person. I have big dreams with no ambition. They say that's a side effect of my depression.... Maybe I'm just lazy. People with labels. Like leftovers that nobody wants. It's part of a process that's supposed to give us hope... But it doesn't really make us any more desirable, the possibility of making us fixable/ edible, it just gives us an expiration date

Waiting

I'm waiting for my husband to come home. Sounds like a trend with me, huh?  He's worth it though. He makes the loneliness go away. My son helps with that too really. But I need that secure connection that holding Sterling's warm chest against mine brings. There's something about the way he smells. It's comforting. I hate how irritatingly perfect my life is sometimes. I find it's generally harder to complain that way... But mostly it just makes me feel guilty, like maybe I don't deserve it. I most likely don't deserve it. There are days though; when the baby's teething and Sterling's being selfish, on those days I feel justified. All I've ever really been is a spoiled little child. Sterling indulges me in that. My son probably will be too. After all, I'm not a fan of hypocrites. That probably means I should work on my self confidence a little though. Let me add that to my list. The list of things I have to accomplish to make sure I don't screw up my son. I could definitely be doing worse though. I always told myself I wouldn't be one of those judgmental parents, then I lost my first baby. And all of a sudden people's choices started to carry a little more weight. Do you have any idea what that does to someone like me? Seeing everything. A blessing and a curse I guess.

In my head

So, this really is more for me more than anyone else, but it's one of those new year things I wanted to get off my chest. I'm really bad at organizing my thoughts, and I'm not sure how this will read. Know that my writing style isn't as grammatically defined as others, but neither is my thinking process. They say to tell "readers" a little about yourself... I'm not so sure I like that idea. I don't know you, why should you know me. And for those of you who think maybe if I tell her some (false) truths about myself I could get some information... wrong. Not saying I'll be all to cautious to keep it a secret, but I'm not one of those first dates who gives it all up either. (Despite popular belief) But I'm not one who puts much credit into popular belief either.... how many time has it been proven wrong by someone not as lazy as the rest of us current riders. I don't know. Life is a perception to me. Don't step on mine and I won't step on yours. I will tell you a little though. I'm not a saint by any means. I also can't be too hard on myself. I don't like the phrase "there's always someone worse" because who am I to judge, but I do think our actions are like ripples. I can't be too hard on myself because of where those ripples have carried me, but I do often wonder what else my ripples have effected... sometimes that thought makes me hurt. I wonder if others have that thought. Don't get me wrong I don't consider myself to be anything extraordinary or anything. I'm probably quite average, but have you ever wondered "Why am I me? Why do I see how I see? Do others see like me? Is this real, or am I dreaming? What is a dream, really?" Thoughts like that are commonplace in my mind. I know I'm not the only one who thinks this way, but following that path of thinking, are those people real or simply something I've made to entertain myself when lonely. I know, I'm starting to sound like a crazy person. After all, if that were the case I could have anything I wanted. Maybe... or maybe it's like faith, you really have to believe it for things to be possible. And if we've been told that it isn't our whole lives who are we to argue? Just some food for thought. How does our conformity cripple us? Or does it? I know some would have us believe it sets us free. Go along with it and life will be easier. Easier maybe, but how will we ever learn... I know I know, learn from others mistakes, but that's what I'm saying. If we all did exactly what we "should" we wouldn't make mistakes... but who decided whet "should" be? And how many not following that standard set a new one? Then again, I agree with things like organized religion. (I believe atheists are a religion all their own) It gives people a place in all the confusion. It gives a base for what you will or will not become. It can create the deepest hate or the greatest love. Love, now there's something I believe in. Hate too I suppose. There has to be opposition in all things. But hate to me is like a poison, something unnatural. Is a baby born hating? The only person hate hurts in the long run is yourself. Does that mean I don't hate? I try not too, but things have happened in my life. Some would say inexcusable things, but I don't. I don't believe anything is truly inexcusable, but that doesn't mean they don't bother me. Sometimes they bother me deeply, but I believe that's a personal flaw. One stemming from never having properly dealt with that hurt. I'm still not really sure if I know how to properly deal with it. But, I guess that's a life lesson for another day. Anyway, this is page one. I don't know if anyone will read this and I'm not sure how readable it is, but it's here and my head is clear. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Probably not though seeing as my husband's almost home. Here's to hoping.